


Just Getting Started

by 1DE3shipper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Fluff, Lilo friendship, Mild Language, OT5 Friendship, Panic Attacks, Some angst, The X Factor Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:07:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3555464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1DE3shipper/pseuds/1DE3shipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam doesn't think he fits in with the rest of the boys and it's giving him anxiety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Getting Started

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo...hello everyone...I haven't forgotten all of you I've just been super blocked lately although I am working on some longer stuff (continuations of some of my one-shots...those are still a thing)...anyways...this came from a couple of prompts that I combined 
> 
> "you could when liam doesn't think he fits in with the boys during the x-factor era and when they are all like partying ( not drunk though ) he's upstairs practicing because he thinks all the other boys are much better than him and that he has to work much harder to be as good as them then louis or Niall finds him and they talk and cuddle"  
> and  
> "they are playing a game of truth or dare at the x-factor house or where they went to get to know each other and they ask questions such as how big is your dick and are you a virgin and liam or niall gets really embarrassed by the questions and then someone is dared to do something naked like jump in the pool or sit on somebody's lap or get a piggy back ride from somebody while naked or run outside screaming naked so they go and everyone else joins but either niall or liam is really insecure and embarrassed but everyone reassures them"
> 
> thanks to Emily for the prompts and I hoped this was at least sort of what you wanted! 
> 
> as always, let me know what you think with comments and such and I would love love LOVE any prompts while I try to get over the whole blocked thing
> 
> I own nothing, this is unbetaed, etc

Liam winced as he heard a crash coming from downstairs but made no move to investigate. He knew what it was and even if he didn't, the following shriek that he learned could only come from Niall was as good of a signifier as anything.

He sighed and took a long look at himself in the mirror. All he had ever wanted was to sing and he wanted to take the opportunity he was given very seriously. After all, the boys were counting on him now as well and Liam didn't think he could handle being crushed down again.

Unfortunately, the other four didn't seem to share his level of dedication, something that grated on Liam's every nerve whenever Louis would decide that messing around with the exercise balls and the like was more important than running through their performance to perfect it. Which is why Liam now found himself locked in a bathroom at the X-Factor house, practicing his vocal exercises while his bandmates did...whatever it is they were doing.

Truth be told, Liam wanted nothing more than to be able to laugh and wrestle and muck about with the boys, to be able to really call them his friends. He always found himself feeling extremely uncomfortable whenever the rest of the band would collapse on top of each other in a heap of teenage boys, had no clue how to even begin to insert himself into their interactions. 

It was easier before, when they didn't know each other as well and had to take some time to knock down boundaries. Zayn, too, had taken some time to fully open up. Some Liam's favorite moments are from the early days with the two of them curled up in a bunk, huddled over a comic book or swapping music. Back when all they had was each other to slow the world down for a bit while they adjusted to the noise of the house.

Zayn's shout of _"Louis you idiot!"_ followed by a thump close to the bottom of the stairs and a chorus of giggles reminded Liam that he didn't even have that anymore, that once Zayn had come out of his shell, Louis had swept him up just as he had Harry and Niall, and pretty soon Zayn and Louis became practically inseparable.

Liam didn't quite know how to open up, was the problem. All he had ever known was how to hold his head down and hope no one noticed him as he went about his business. He was used to just locking himself in quiet rooms to sing and now, he had no clue how to break that habit.

He needed the extra practice anyways, he reasoned with himself. He didn't have Zayn or Harry's natural talent or Louis's outgoing personality or Niall's baby face that had the girls swooning; he was just Liam and just Liam needed to work harder than anyone else to get to where he was. He wasn't bitter or jealous; that's just the way it was.

_"Liam, we're going to make a Tesco run if you want to come!"_ Harry's slow voice carried from just outside the door. He wanted to say yes, he really did, but he couldn't help but worry that he would be left out in some way (even though by refusing to go he was, for all intents and purposes, being left out anyways) or picked on or would just have a miserable time and there was really no reason for him to go was there?

"I'm good," he called back, voice as even as he could make it. "Thanks though."

Harry didn't respond as the footsteps walked away and Liam was alone again.  
-  
One of the things Liam really enjoyed doing with the boys was FIFA, because he was actually pretty decent at it. He could compete with Louis and Niall and the way they would laugh and joke and nag at him made him feel like he actually belonged. 

Sometimes.

Today, however, was not one of those times. It was a Thursday night, around the time of weeks where the boys would get antsy in anticipation of their next performance but were already sick of practicing the new routine. They had decided to take over the Xbox system for a couple of hours to unwind, even though Liam still thought they needed more rehearsal time.

"Nonsense!" Louis had protested. "We know the song backwards by now. Live a little, Payno!" And Liam wasn't in the mood for a full-blown argument with Louis Tomlinson so he didn't press any further, just continued to stew as they set the game system up.

He had beaten Niall twice and was waiting for his turn to play again when he felt it: the creeping panic he hadn't really felt since he was fifteen and being shoved into lockers at school. He had to get out of there and _fast_ before anyone saw him. Head swimming and hands shaking, Liam mumbled a half-excuse about going to bed before he dashed towards the stairs.

He didn't know why he was panicking like this—if he did, he could probably stop it, right? He supposed it was a buildup of stress over the last few weeks. They were almost to the semifinals and Liam felt an obligation to be responsible for how the band did and the pressure must have finally gotten to him. Whatever the cause, he was having a full-blown panic attack.

"Liam?" Niall poked his head into their room where the older boy was sitting with his head in his hands. "Y'alright?"

"Yeah, fine," he answered, probably a little too quickly.

"Sure?"

"I'm alright, Niall. Go back downstairs."

The blond looked doubtful but didn't question it, closing the door and clomping back to where the rest of the band was probably still playing video games. 

Liam's breathing had mostly returned to normal and more than anything he was frustrated. Frustrated with himself for not fitting in, for not being good enough. Frustrated that he couldn't handle the pressure that came with his career of choice, the only thing he was really good at.

He gave a heavy sigh and flopped backwards onto his bed. Maybe going to sleep early was a good idea after all, he though as he closed his eyes.

Sleep didn't come until long after the the other boys climbed into their own bunks and Liam wondered if it was even worth it anymore.  
-  
Liam chugged a glass of water before refilling it and doing it again. He had started to feel a bit ill earlier in the day, probably just a twenty-four hour cold, but he wasn't taking any chances.

The last thing he needed was to get sick and he typically did everything in his power to avoid it, drinking plenty of water, eating as many fruits and vegetables as the house's resources made possible, washing his hands constantly. Really, the only bad habit he could think of was how little sleep he had been getting, which, yeah, was a pretty big problem.

Whatever the reason, Liam's throat was sore after a long day of rehearsals. 

He was taking a cough syrup and following it up with yet another glass of water, debating whether he had enough energy to make tea, when he heard the characteristic cackles of his bandmates coming towards the kitchen.

Without a word to Liam, Niall and Zayn bounced over to the cabinets where they all kept their snacks and dug into a bag of cheese crisps.

"You guys should be drinking more," Liam scolded suddenly, causing the other two to look up from their food.

"I had an energy drink on the way back from the studio," Zayn offered sheepishly and Liam rolled his eyes in annoyance.

" _Actual_ hydration?" He stressed. "Namely water? I'm serious guys you need to be taking care of your voices. We can't afford to get sick."

"Yes, _dad_ ," Niall gave his own eye roll, sticking his head under the faucet for a sip of water, which he spit into the air like a dolphin. Zayn was doubled over with laughter but Liam was seeing red.

"Fine. Don't listen to me," he huffed and left the room. Couldn't they see he was just trying to help? It seemed like any time he tried to be responsible it was thrown back in his face somehow, usually by a sarcastic response or a mocking comment or a "lighten up, Payno!"

Someone had to be sensible, right? It was in Liam's nature to do what was right, especially regarding his music. It was downright frustrating that he had to rely on others who wouldn't take it as seriously as he did. _Not that they need to take it as seriously_ he reminded himself. It just came naturally to them.

He was halfway up the stairs when he heard footsteps chasing behind him.

"Liam, wait," Zayn called. "We're sorry if we upset you. We were just joking around."

"I know," Liam responded, and he did know. He hated how sensitive he was to the jokes of the other boys. "Don't worry about it."

"Y'alright, mate?" he asked.

"Fine," Liam nodded. "Gonna get some sleep."

"Okay, night, Leeyum." With that, Zayn disappeared back into the kitchen, probably for some more late night junk food.

More than anything, Liam was just upset and embarrassed that he couldn't join in when his bandmates poked fun at each other. They weren't trying to be mean, at least he didn't think they were, but he couldn't help feeling upset whenever the jokes were directed at him.

Was fitting in really too much to ask? Angry tears poked at his eyes as he got dressed for bed, but he wasn't going to let himself cry. Instead, he put his earbuds in and climbed into his bunk, hoping that maybe for once, sleep would come easily.

It didn't.  
-  
It was the week before the finals and everyone was stressed. The entire band was on edge and Liam, whose anxiety had only gotten worse over the last few weeks, was a mess. All they could think about was practicing—for once Liam wasn't the only one wanting to work all night—and as a result they hadn't had a day to relax all week.

Louis, of course, was the one to change that.

"Proper lads night is what we need," he announced, and took it upon himself as the only legal adult in the group to supply just enough alcohol to get them to loosen up. Liam adamantly refuses any beer, but the other four drink up and Liam had never been so stressed in his life.

"We should do something," Harry suggested halfway through his drink. "Spin the bottle or something."

"We need girls for that," Niall protested.

"Truth or dare, then," Louis decided, and no one would argue with Louis. "And," the mischievous glint in his eye had Liam's stomach churning, "if you don't follow the rules you have to take a drink."

"There's no way I'm doing that," Liam said, eyes wide. "I've only got one kidney, I can't drink!"

"Then you'd better answer all your questions," Louis smirked. "Right, who's first?"

Liam felt panic creeping in again. This was supposed to be fun. They were supposed to be relaxing. All he could think about was what sort of questions Louis would think of for him and he felt his heart rate pick up just worrying about it.

True to form, Louis's first question, for Harry, was "How many girls have you really slept with?" Liam reddened on his bandmate's behalf. 

Harry, though, took it in stride. "Just girls?" he asked with a smirk.

"You've fucked guys before?" Niall exclaimed. 

"Sometimes they fuck me, depends on the mood," and he was way too proud of himself for this too.

"Just answer the question, Styles," Louis demanded, seemingly unfazed and the exchange.

"I dunno, a bunch," Harry shrugged. "Like, at school parties when we'd get drunk I'd hook up with a couple of people a night. Make of that what you will." He sent a cheeky wink at the oldest band member to punctuate his response.

"Right then," Louis nodded. "Nialler, truth or dare?"

"Who says you get to ask all the questions?" Zayn demanded.

"I did, now shut up and wait your turn, Malik."

"Dare," Niall responded confidently. "And I have no qualms about getting my dick out in case you were wondering."

"I've no desire to see your dick at this time, thank you for offering," Louis deadpanned. "Rather, be a dear and see if you can't get Payno to kiss you."

"No!" Liam protested loudly while Niall shrugged and crawled across the circle to kneel in front of Liam, who was about as red as a tomato and was beginning to feel a bit lightheaded with embarrassment.

"C'mon Liam it's just a kiss," Niall goaded. "I won't even be that offended if you don't like it."

Liam was completely frozen as the Irishman started to move forward and only at the last minute did he turn his head just enough that the kiss landed on his cheek.

Louis booed and Niall shrugged again, turning towards the bottle in the middle of the circle. "I tried lads," he said, not sounding at all upset that he had to drink. 

"Liam's turn," Harry said.

Liam felt true panic set in at Harry's words. He didn't want to do this; he was absolutely terrified at whatever Louis could have in store for him and willed himself not to break down right then because how embarrassing would that be?

"I'll go easy on you, mate," Louis said with a wink that made Liam believe he would do nothing of the sort. "All you gotta do is tell us how far you've gone."

"Louis, that's personal!" Liam protested.

"So is Nialler's dick and he was ready to offer that in a second," the older boy reasoned.

"I'm not answering that." 

"Then you have to drink."

"I'm not doing that either!"

"It's not that difficult of a question Liam!"

Liam was about to die from mortification. These were the sorts of things his few friends back home kept to themselves and Liam had no desire to change that now, but he knew what Louis was doing. Louis wanted to get a reaction out of him and he wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.

With one burst of courage, he wiped the tears forming at the corners of his eyes (and when did _that_ happen?), looked Louis straight in the eye, and answered, "I fucked a girl when I was fourteen."

The room went dead silent, both at his response and at the fact that he had cursed. Louis opened his mouth to say something before closing it again and Liam felt a twinge of satisfaction at having rendered Louis Tomlinson speechless. Mostly, though, he was completely horrified at having actually shared that piece of information. Fitting in or not, Liam was a private person and he hated that this band seemed to be tearing him away from his morals.

"Atta boy, Payno!" Niall broke the silence with a clap just as Liam began to worry that he had really done homething wrong. "Your turn, Louis!" Whatever had temporarily come over the oldest had passed completely and he grinned at Niall.

"Give me your best shot, Horan."

Niall giggled as if he was about to say the funniest thing ever and they all knew what was coming; Liam braced himself for it. "Let's see your willy then, Tommo."

Louis rolled his eyes but made no argument as he unzipped his trousers. He paused, suddenly coming up with an idea and Liam had a feeling that he was going to have to run from the room. 

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," he quipped, grin wild.

"Pants off everyone!" Niall cheered, pulling his trousers and boxers off in one go. Harry followed suit, taking his shirt off for good measure. Zayn rolled his eyes but untied his sweats enough to pull his dick out. Louis did the same and all eyes were on Liam.

"No. No way. Absolutely not," he shook his head violently and this was one thing he was absolutely not wavering on.

"C'mon, Liam," Harry whined. "It's not fun if you're the only one dressed."

"Not packing anything? Is that the problem?" Niall smirked. "Must have something down there if you bedded that bird. We just wanna see it!"

"I said no!" Liam tried to be firm, but his breathing was speeding up. "You guys can do whatever you want but I'm not taking my kit off in front of you lot, band bonding be damned!"

With that, he stood up and stalked out of the room. This was a complete disaster. How could he possibly hope to fit in with the rest of the group when they did things like that? They had no boundaries!  
Liam was frustrated, embarrassed, and angry all at once, and the combination of the emotions was causing his body to shut down.

He ran upstairs and shut himself in their room, hiding under the covers of his bunk for good measure as he struggled to breathe.

Before he had himself under control again, the door creaked open and Liam heard footsteps make their way to his bed.

"Liam?" It was Louis. Louis was probably the last person he wanted to see right now.

"I'm fine," Liam snapped, trying not to show how not fine he was. "Go away."

"Liam."

Liam pulled the covers back a bit at Louis's tone that told him he wasn't going anywhere.

"What?" Liam tried to sound firm, but his voice was shaking.

"Oh, Liam. You wanna tell me what's really wrong, mate?" Louis asked softly, sitting down on Liam's bed.

"I'm just nervous," he answered and it was only a half lie.

"We're all nervous," Louis shook his head and began running his fingers through Liam's hair, scratching his head slightly, in a calming motion that made Liam feel like he could sleep for the first time in weeks. "It's more than that, though, isn't it?" Reluctantly, Liam nodded.

"I just...don't think I fit in with the rest of you," he sighed. "And like, I'm used to not fitting in, but I really want to and at the same time I can't help but take this seriously and the rest of you don't and I just don't know how to make you like me."

"Oh, Liam, we all love you," Louis said. "Someone's gotta keep the rest of us in line, 'cause we do take it seriously, we do, and we want to win as much as you do." He gave a small smile. "We just don't really know how to do that as well as you though. You're the one that's made for this."

"I'm not, though," Liam argued. "I have to work so much harder to be even close to as good as the rest of you. I'm rubbish at this."

"You're the best singer of all of us, actually," Louis corrected. "You get all the solos for a reason, mate; your voice is incredible. And you should have told us that you were stressed." He noticed the dark circles that had been marring the undersides of Liam's eyes for weeks now. "Have you even been sleeping?"

Liam shrugged. "At least a couple of hours, usually. It's not too bad."

"It's not healthy, mate," Louis shook his head. "We should have been better friends. You needed us and we weren't there for you."

"Friends?" Liam asked tentatively.

"Of course!" Louis said, shocked. "Aren't we your friends?"

"I mean, I didn't know if you all liked me or not. It's hard to tell sometimes."

"Great, now I feel like a twat," Louis buried his face in the hand not tangled in Liam's hair. "We really were upsetting you when we were joking around, weren't we?" Liam nodded sheepishly. "And in there just now? We aren't being very good friends if you feel uncomfortable around us. And that's our fault."

"I felt like you weren't listening to me," Liam admitted quietly.

"That's on me mostly, I think," Louis groaned. "I thought you were kidding. I didn't know I was really bothering you. I just got carried away, I guess." He gave a bit of a smirk. “I just want the lads to like me too, y’know?”

"I know, I know..." Liam nodded. "They all adore you though. You don’t even have to try to fit in! I just...I shouldn't be so sensitive all the time but I can't help it."

"You shouldn't have to," Louis disagreed. "We should be more sensitive to how you feel. But you have to promise you'll tell us when you're upset, whether it's our fault or something else, yeah?"

Liam nodded hesitantly and Louis smiled. Communication wasn't Liam's strong suit, but he knew he needed to learn to trust the boys, especially if they were to spend the rest of their careers together. 

"Hey Lou?" Liam asked.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think we're gonna win?"

"I think," Louis nodded thoughtfully, "that we're going to be fucking massive. Sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," Liam agreed. "Thanks."

"Anytime, mate," Louis said seriously. "We're always here for you. And for each other. It's what a band does."

It was starting to sink in for Liam that he was in a band. A band with his four best mates. He didn't know what the weekend would bring, but he was ready no matter what because they were just getting started.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! I hope it wasn't too bad XD let me know what you think and leave me a prompt (slash preferred lol)!


End file.
